Mother's Day without my Mum

I had a very close relationship with my mum. She was difficult ,very strong, She adored me and was also my greatest critic.

I feel so sad and lonely without her. She’s here physically but has vascular dementia and is in a care home. She hates it and is always trying to escape,

She can be rude to the staff and says she wants to die.

I waken up in the dead of night and picture my poor confused mum , being in a place she doesn’t know, wearing clothes that very often aren’t hers, being looked after by people she doesn’t recognise.

She is frail and scruffy. She used to be tall and smart , gregarious and loved her husband and her life. He was her second husband and they remained deeply in love till she got dementia and didn’t recognise him!

I want to talk to her and tell her of my pleasures and my worries, to feel her arms around me and smell her Estée Lauder perfume.  I want her to know that I come and see her and buy her chocolates and flowers. She says I’ve abandoned her and I never go to see her.🙈🙈

I want to share the joys of her grandchildren and great grandchildren and I want her to know that her eldest son is coming over from New Zealand to see her.

She doesn’t understand. It is so cruel .

Happy Mother’s Day!